


So Long Ago, I Remember You

by PennamePersona



Series: Clinic AU [26]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Game, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, Gen, M/M, Past hurt, painful memories, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8181028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: You could hear a pin drop in the horrifying silence.In fact, you're pretty sure you are hearing pins dropping. Is this just a case of overactive imagination, or are pins actually dropping? Set directly after Chapter 6 of Mixed Emotions, Steady Hearts.





	1. It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be writing something else? Yes. Should I also be working on homework?? You know it.

You could hear a pin drop in the horrifying silence.

 

In fact, you're pretty sure you are hearing pins dropping. Is this just a case of overactive imagination, or are pins actually dropping?

 

You look down and see the paperclips you were holding fall gently onto your desk.

 

Oh. Huh. Not pins, then.

 

You clear your throat, finally closing your mouth after managing to squeak out the name of your former best friend. John's looking between the two of you in confusion (because you never told him and damn, never thought _this_ would happen because of it) and _fuck almighty is his hand bleeding_?

 

"John." You say, sounding sharper than you necessarily mean to, but honestly, what are you supposed to do right now? "Get your ass over here."

 

"Okay!" He says, sounding incredibly nervous. "Alrighty, yeah, I'll just do that."

 

He spares one last glance for Gamzee (whose name still hurts), who waves him off, breaking eye contact with you to do so. It's a relief, in a way, because you're so, so not ready for anything involving him. He might not be nearly as painful as he once was, but it still aches, in a distant sort of way, just to think of him, much less have him here, right in fucking front of you.

 

"What did you even do, you imbecilic sack of dicks?" You ask him, voice not quite as fond as it could be, but hey, you're in shock.

 

"I don't know?" He asks more than says, then looks down at his hand. "Oh! I was cooking at the institution and the knife slipped? And then Gam - uh. Then he drove me here? And here I am. Bleeding."

 

"Come with me," You say with a sigh, because while John has gotten much better at taking care of himself since the roof incident, he's still a clumsy, moronic, piece of shit when it comes to injury avoidance. 

But you love him anyway.

 

Even if he brings old friends who you cut all ties with for good damned reason back into your life on accident. Because he's John.

 

* * *

 

He's...doing better than when last you saw him, you think, as you slip into one of the waiting room chairs. Not that that's surprising, considering the circumstances involving the last time you saw him.

 

And Johnny boy, little bro, the blue man and him are...together? Must be, since you could've sworn that pretty little piece of glass on John boy was made by Kamali. Just like Karkat to claim him in such a romantic way, too.

 

Did the same to you, years ago. You don't have it anymore, it's long lost to your former rages and fits, but you remember. You remember all of it.

 

Is regret ever enough? You've wondered that for a long time, but never been faced with it until now.

 

You don't think it could ever be enough in Karkat's eyes, not with how stubborn he used to be, but then again, Karkat was always a sucker for emotions.

 

Then again, he's changed. The Karkat you knew would have bitten John's head off (literally or figuratively) before dating him. That Karkat is probably long gone by this time, changed through the sands of time.

 

Through time without you.

 

Which was better for him, for both of you, really, you know that. But there's something about seeing your former best friend in a relationship with someone he never could have been with before and knowing, knowing so well that it's because of the lack of you that he's so different. Lack of you and time, of course.

 

Your rad sister would stress that, the time, and you think you'll talk to her about this next time your time and her's overlap. She's always been hard with you, very straight to the point and real, and you needed that right after your recovery, when she revealed herself to you. She didn't help with the recovery itself, but she was right there the minute you started volunteering yourself, pushing you to do all you could to atone for what you'd done before.

 

And maybe that was a little bit of a messed up mindset, but Aradia Megido had always been just a little bit off. And that was fine, maybe, fine even if you still were, too.

 

Maybe it'd be fine with Karkat, too. Maybe you'd both grown enough to get to this point and have it work.

 

* * *

 

You step out of the door that separates the actual clinic part of the clinic from the rest of the clinic (wow, what a convoluted thought).

 

Gamzee's still in the waiting room, and you really hope he isn't sitting there waiting for Karkat, because the slip of paper in your hand doesn't say "never" but it sure doesn't say "now."

 

"Gamzee?" You say, still hesitantly, in no small part because your boyfriend is totally having a panic attack in the break room and you are not being allowed to help him because you have to deal with his...ex? Or something, who is a co-volunteer who drove you to the hospital to deal with your injury and who is actually a really great guy but apparently really, really hurt Karkat, and you totally don't know what to do with that information.

 

"John?" He says, turning around in his chair to see you. "How's that hand, blue bro?"

 

"Fine," You say, holding it up and waving. "Karkat does good work."

 

"Good," Gamzee says, and he really seems to mean it, warmth in his eyes and voice and face. "Always knew he'd be good in this job."

 

"Yeah," You say, super awkwardly. "He asked me to give this to you." 

 

You step closer to Gamzee (which is hard, now, because of everything you do and don't know) and hold out the slip of paper. He takes it, reads the numbers on it, and smiles a very sad smile.

 

"Not ready yet, is he," He says more than asks. "Can't blame him. I hurt that brother pretty badly."

 

"Yeah," You say again. "Um. I think I'm going to wait for Karkat's shift to get over and ride with him? Nothing against you, just - "

 

"No need to explain, John boy." He interrupts, holding up one big hand. "I get it. You don't know what happened between us, and you want to help Karkat. It's no problem."

 

"Thanks for understanding," You say, genuinely, because while you don't know Gamzee's past very well at all, you know his present.

* * *

When you come into the clinic to take over Karkat's shift, you're not surprised to see John there. You are surprised, however, to see Karkat's red-rimmed eyes and exhausted expression.

 

Scratch that.

 

You aren't surprised that Karkat is exhausted, but it has been quite a while since he cried on a shift, and he's been doing so well, lately, the stress from moving into John's (their) apartment fading away, not that there was terribly much of it in the first place, what with all of your friends helping and Karkat having spent much of his time there, anyway.

 

But to see him crying now is...troubling.

 

John looks up and sees you, looking very concerned, which does not make you feel any better.

 

"Kanaya," He says. "I think Karkat needs you."

 

He used to be so hesitant about saying that, since it meant he couldn't help Karkat himself, meant that he had to capitulate, but now he understands, gets that there are certain things that are between you and Karkat and that your souls touch, know each other, and sometimes it has to be you that he needs. And now...

 

You look at Karkat, rush behind the counter to him, and when he looks up, he says only one word.

 

A name. One you said, once, you'd never forgive.

 

"Gamzee."


	2. Thinking on What Might Have Been

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is awake late into the night, considering what might have happened between Karkat and Gamzee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically 1k of John's inner monologue because hey, that's the kind of writer I am. So...enjoy?

You're lying alone in a bed meant for two, which isn't actually all that crazy of an experience, seeing as it's one you've had for years before Karkat came into your life, much less your apartment.

 

It's always been a touch lonely, this bed, but you've long dealt with that by having a thousand (slight exaggeration) pillows to cling to and toss around, and more recently, by having Karkat.

 

Karkat, who is staying with Kanaya for at least tonight, and you have a feeling that, were Rose not on a book tour (you're still so happy and so proud of her for that!), she'd be staying at your place.

 

Beyond Rose and Dave, you've never seen a relationship quite like theirs, and you certainly can't call Rose and Dave's closeness a common sibling sort of bond, like you tried to, once. Once meaning one time and one time only because even you realized just how stupid that was. Your (meager) defense had been that you and Jade weren't exactly typical siblings, what with her being gone half the year to Murder & Science Island, but Dave and Rose had even less time together than that.

 

And while you've never actually seen Karkat and Kanaya display some of the obvious signs of closeness and dependency that Dave and Rose do (like clothes sharing), you know their connection runs just as deep, only in a different way. And that's fine! That's fine, it's been fine for ages, you only really had a bit of a rough patch over it and that wasn't crazy of you, you know it wasn't because even Rose said so, and Rose would _so_  tell you if you were being crazy. It's, like, her thing. 

 

Back to Karkat staying with Kanaya (which, again, is _totally fine_ ) and how that's a thing.

 

It's a thing. And you miss him, you totally do, of course you do, he's your boyfriend who you like to cuddle with, and it's not like you can't sleep without him, it's more like you really don't want to. Because you love him. And he's great at cuddling, like, super great.

 

Andmaybeyou'reworriedabouthimkindofalot.

 

Maybe.

 

You sign and flip over on the bed. You're _really_  worried about him with this whole Gamzee thing, which still hasn't been explained to you, not that you're pushing! You're not pushing, you're really not, you're just _worried_  and while Gamzee might be a great guy now, you've known him since he came into the center and he was _fucked up_  on days he actually wanted to get better, not even touching the other days.

 

And then when he came back as a volunteer, you were so proud of him! And then Aradia did...something, and he was a bit different even before that and he mentioned once something about atoning for past wrongs and it let off a little bell in your head but also he's just doing so much better and...

 

And he hurt Karkat, which is ten thousand kinds of wrong.

 

But what do you _do_ about any of this? It's killing you a little bit that you just can't do anything, not before you talk to Karkat, not before you understand, and what if you don't get to talk to Karkat before your next shift at the center? What if it's with Gamzee? What if _he_ tries to explain?

 

Okay, you're being unreasonable, and you know it. Your next shift at the center isn't for another week, and you know you and Karkat will talk before then. It's a guarantee, really, with how Karkat worries and hates secrets (it makes you laugh in a way that's actually genuinely humor-based that he hates keeping secrets and yet literally forgot to tell you he was trans for the first nine months of your relationship. Classic Karkat).

 

But you also kind of don't want to know, in a really fucked up way. You like Gamzee, as a person, as a friend, even, and now there's intense complications. He used to talk with you while you did kitchen duty together (you only helping in the tiniest of ways, really, because who the hell would trust you with a knife), talk about people he loved, sometimes, and -

 

You sit straight up in bed.

 

And how he hurt his best friend oh _God_  that was definitely Karkat, wasn't it, they aren't ex-lovers (cue selfish sigh of relief), they're ex-bffs and that's actually sort of worse. Losing Dave or Rose would absolutely destroy you, and if Karkat and Gamzee were anything like Karkat and Kanaya are now, you can only imagine just how painful that must have been. 

 

Oh, poor Karkat. You wish you could have been there to help him through that. But you'll help now, whenever he lets you! Which is hopefully soon.

 

Your thought process is interrupted by a knock at the bedroom door, which has got to be Karkat because who else would be knocking at your bedroom door? Dave or Jade would just burst in (possibly through a window), Rose is gone on the book tour and would probably knock in some super cryptic pattern that spelled out some meme, anyway, Kanaya would break down the damn door in the politest way possible, and Karkat...Karkat is just himself enough to knock on the door to his own bedroom, as though he could ever really be unwelcome.

 

"Karkat?" You call out, just in case, and also because it'd be a bit creepy to assume it was him and be right, and awkward if you were wrong.

 

The door opens, and there he is, your Karkat, in a pair of sweats, still looking absolutely fantastic and attractive and sad. Mostly sad, really, but you have a Karkat-thing that you can't really ignore, so you let a part of your brain just enjoy the look of him.

 

"I just." He says, looking right at you, his eyes almost seeming to glow. "I couldn't sleep, and I realized I wanted you."

 

Wanted, not needed, and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard, so you get up and embrace him, whisper in his ear that you're here (heh, rhyme), and kiss just beneath his earlobe gently, so gently, and you feel his tears on your skin.

 

"Come to bed," You say, ask, want.

 

"Okay," He says. "Okay."

 

And you fall asleep, entwined together, holding close and feeling warm, and he's still crying, which is fine, and you kiss him and it's alright, for now. It's alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are cool but comments are really where it's at, visit me at 
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.pennamepersona.tumblr.com)  
> or  
> [this au's ask blog](http://www.ask-clinic-au.tumblr.com)


	3. Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aradia knows this is likely necessary, Sollux knows that he trusts Aradia, and Kanaya knows that she trusts Karkat (and is capable of kicking ass).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this probably a weird way of going about this fic? Yes. Should that be a surprise to me? Nope.

It's a Tuesday, which is unimportant, but you can't help but notice it. It's your way, after all, and no one who has minded has been someone you cared about, so you dismiss it completely, most days.

 

Some days, you're reminded of your oddities in more obvious ways. The day Sollux had his big meltdown. The day Damara almost died. The day _you_ almost died.

 

The day Gamzee returned.

 

And now, this day, when Karkat comes through the door, and Gamzee is volunteering, which is unacceptable or highly necessary - you can't decide which.

 

"Karkat!" You say, grinning widely in a way you understand disarms people, which is why you don't usually work the front desk. In fact, you're not even working the front desk today, you're just here because you knew you were supposed to be.

 

"Hey, Aradia," Karkat says. "Good to see you."

 

"Good to see you, too, Karkat." You say. "Gamzee is here."

 

"I know," Karkat says. "He asked me to meet him here."

 

Your grin does not fade.

 

"He's in the kitchen right now," You say. "He'll be out in seven minutes. Please, make yourself comfortable."

 

He sits in the chair you did not gesture to.

 

You wander away from the front desk without acknowledging Karkat again. You wander to the kitchen, where Gamzee is. You steal an apple and do not acknowledge Gamzee. This is normal. What will happen next will be abnormal.

 

You are content with this.

 

All is as is should be.

 

* * *

 

" _What the fuck do you mean Karkat and Gamzee are talking again_?" You nearly shout, for all the good it would do you. AA does not respond well to shouting, you know, you know well, because of what it reminds her of.

 

(Your fault, a voice in your head suggests, which means you'll have to talk to AA about that, too, which is annoying but necessary).

 

"I mean what I said, Sollux." AA says. "It is as it should be."

 

"Thanks so much for that cryptic statement," You say. "Clears everything right up."

 

"You're welcome," AA says, dismissively. She's getting upset with you, in her way, which is not good. FF won't be happy about this when she gets home - 

 

The door opens, interrupting your thoughts, and bringing in FF, which is good, obviously, but also troublesome.

 

"Honeys, I'm home!" She cries, which you know is a subtle attempt at a pun, the same one she makes every day when she comes home, and yeah, maybe you love her for it. 

 

FF comes into the living room of the spacious apartment the three of you share, and immediately puts her hands on her hips.

 

"You two are fighting again," She says. "And I won't stand for it."

 

"You can always tell so quickly," AA says, smiling in a gentle sort of way that wouldn't freak people out if they saw it, which is rather unlike her. You like that smile. It's only for you and FF and maybe some other close people, but it brings your trio a bit closer, you think.

 

"Apologize." FF says, true to form, always getting right down to business. You think it's probably because she spends all day actually doing businesswoman things, like trying to overthrow her boss, who is also her aunt, and who is also basically evil.

 

You sigh.

 

"AA," You start. "I'm sorry for yelling. I was surprised, but I know you generally know what you're doing, and I trust you."

 

"Sollux," AA says. "I'm sorry that I didn't explain. I forget, sometimes, that you don't think the way that I do. I appreciate that you're willing to trust me, regardless."

 

"Now kiss!" FF says, demands, in that way of hers that both you and AA love. You lean in and gentle kiss AA, in a way that still feels like the first time all over again. It always does.

 

Then the two of you hold out your arms for FF to come in and kiss the both of you, as is proper.

 

You don't know what you'd do without these two.

 

You hope that Karkat is okay, later, once the romance is back to normal levels. You know Karkat well, have known him since you were kids, grew up with him. You were there when things went to shit, of course you were, he's family.

 

You know exactly what happened, what went down, and you're unwilling to see it happen again.

 

You hope so badly that Karkat knows what he's doing, and feel better that AA, at least, seems to believe it's for the best. If nothing else, you trust her.

 

* * *

 

You walk into the break room and see Karkat, all dressed and ready for his shift, half an hour early. It's not unlike him to be early, since he believes so firmly in a job well done, but typically he's not quite this early.

 

Of course, today was the day he met with Gamzee.

 

Today, of all days, he would want to be somewhere comfortable, and after all these years, you've accepted that "somewhere comfortable" often means somewhere you are.

 

"We talked." He says. "We will again, later, but...it wasn't terrible. He's. He's doing better, of course he is, and. That's good."

 

"Yes," You say, calmly, carefully. Karkat simply sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

 

"I don't know what I'm doing," He says, and you smile.

 

"That's alright," You say. "You rarely do."

 

He laughs, then, and you know he's alright. You might not entirely agree with what's happening, here, but you know it's something Karkat has to do, and you're of the mindset to trust him in these sorts of matters. 

 

Beyond that, you're fully well aware that you possess the strength and ability to take care of Gamzee, if he should hurt Karkat again (not that you plan on mentioning this to Karkat).

 

Perhaps, though, this will work out, and Karkat will get some kind of closure. You know it still hurts him, sometimes, and you can't say you blame him. Vriska still hurts you, sometimes, and you occasionally wish for that kind of closure with her, though you know it's all but impossible.

 

Still, though, you hope for the best, as always, and believe that it will happen, if Karkat has his way.

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, hope you liked it, kudos comments yay yay yay
> 
> Tumblrs:
> 
>  
> 
> [main](http://www.pennamepersona.tumblr.com)  
> [Clinic AU ask](http://www.ask-clinic-au.tumblr.com)  
> 


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